...because Jane always makes me laugh with the things she sends me and everyone needs a midafternoon Friday laugh

Epic

We've been through a lot, the boyo and I.

When I decided to separate from the ex-boyo, I knew Da5id was something. I had known him for a couple years by then and I loved that he never judged me and always knew exactly what I was talking about. We had similar war stories.

I was scared, though. Here I was knowing that I had to jump from this cliff into the dreaded d-word and it scared me. I had been wrong and now I had to undo it, and I knew divorce wasn't easy. Da5id stood by me.

When we started to date, not long after, he had to live with my doubt. Here's a girl he fell in love with that went back and forth from "I love you" to "Perhaps I should go back to my husband."

It wasn't meant to hurt... or tease, it was only because I had no idea what I should do despite knowing what I should do. I was scared. I was scared of constantly jumping from person to person and thinking "This one. This is it" and then being wrong. Worse still, making this big of a mistake that now involved divorce again. Even at all! What if I was just constantly looking for better instead of learning how to make it work?

I was wrong, though.

I was wrong about jumping from guy to guy, forever thinking the grass is always greener. This time I wanted to fight for this relationship. This time, through good and bad, whether him or me, I wanted to work it out. Why? Because I love him more than anything, because after 8 or so years, he still makes my toes curl and still gives me butterflies in my stomach. Even better; this time, I was right. I knew that then, but was too scared to embrace it and maybe I had to work through that fear in order to get to this.

The other day he came by to our new offices just to say hi because he was in the neighborhood. Seeing him in a place that my mind says "Wait, he doesn't belong in this picture" made my day. I suppose, to me, it was like seeing an oasis in the desert. I was giddy as he went along on an errand to the bank where I had to make a deposit for work. The whole way there I kept beaming up at him and holding his hand.

I love his hands. They fit perfectly in mine and feel so comfortable there. The first time we kissed, there was no awkwardness, no adjusting or readjusting to try to get it right. He already knew... or perhaps it was just another example as to how we were two parts of a whole.

Currently, with the bipolar disorder diagnosis, he's been very patient, taking the blows and the episodes somehow. Standing still as I (figuratively) punch him and (literally) scream at him. This is not what he signed up for. This is not the girl he met.

I am worse than ever, or rather, right up until the meds kicked in. I was at a new high in the Ceci scale of crazy. Sure he always knew I was a little crazy, but it used to be a good crazy.

He needs a medal or something.

I love him... whole-ly, deeply, madly. There were times when he started to fall/ was falling that I was there to catch him. This time he's catching me.

We won't let each other fall off that ledge, no matter how close we come to it.


"If that's what it takes
then don't let it tear us apart
even if it breaks your heart"

Cut Copy - Out there on the Ice

"Let me be weak, let me sleep... and dream of sheep..."

The night before, I started dreaming again... I dreamt of children enslaved in mines, learning how to manipulate elements, elementary school days (and daze), being a cunning child and transforming in accordance to what changed around me by using what I had learned.

Last night I dreamt of friends and college. I spoke with Maile and Amandazon and nearly tackled Stephen from where I was sitting, almost pulling down his pants. I dreamt of the last apartment in college that Leigh and I shared and the parties we had there with everyone in attendance.

Dreaming means that I'm resting. It's like watching TV but seeing the show that my mind puts on when just left to rest.

Me? I'm comfortably in bed watching it. Some scenes I see, some I don't. I flitter in and out of the show, just like I would if I were sick and lying on the couch watching movies. Consciousness to unconsciousness. Floating. Resting.

I'm learning to be me again. I still hate the routine, still hate that there aren't enough hours in the day anymore. I'd still like to sacrifice sleep to do more of what I want to do. I can't. I know I can't because then the manic comes... and after that, the low Low.

I really miss talking to Stephen though. REALLY. I miss the things I loved about life before the meds.

Albert knows me so well

I go back and forth from this:

To this:


They're both very me. Pensive and cynical to feisty and not giving a shit as long as it's me.

I love A Softer World.

Thoughts for Tuesday

"If I am the storm, if I am the wonder... "

Hi kids.

Today I was reminded of why I love Cedric. A lot of it has to do with how he's sometimes so much like me. We watched Cashback at movie night tonight. Cedric's choice. Near the end he pointed out one of the scenes that was one of his favorites and I was stunned. I was stunned for several reasons; one being that I would have so chosen that scene as one of my favorites and the other being that he unabashedly said so.

What you have to know about movie night is that we all sit there and sort of MST3K the movie. It's tough to show a movie you like because you have to be able to put up with all the comments. That doesn't mean that people don't like it. We just like to make comments over it. I've also thought that it takes a lot to show people that this is what you love and this is what you think because it's open to ridicule. In that, though, movie night is us putting it out there and saying to each other over all of the funny comments that, yes, I love this film and yes, you can ridicule it all you want and you might like it too. It's ok to do it, we're all friends and we all put it out there.

I highly recommend you watch Cashback.

...

Today was the first day that I've felt better than I have in a LONG time. In fact, I've had one of the best weekends. Well, that's tough to say as the past 3 to 4 weekends have been pretty great, but this one sort of was a culmination of everything. I'm not sure if it's just that the meds are finally doing exactly what they're supposed to do, but something's working.

I can't even say what exactly it was that did it... I just know that I feel like I love things again instead of just going through my routine.

I had a great weekend, as I've said. On Thursday night I went to my first rodeo in St. Paul, Oregon with Lillie and Soggy. You know what? I had a good time! Her family reminded me A LOT of my mom's side of the family. They were very welcoming and they made us feel like family. We were only supposed to stay 'til Friday but we stayed until noon on Saturday. It was really truly a good time and it was hard to leave Lillie's family and friends.

We also met Quigley the dog who could not only fit herself into a bucket of water (it was sofa king hot this weekend) but could also jump onto a horse and stand there. One of the best dog's ever!

Saturday was Jason's Boomfest. You may have seen pictures from last year's 4th celebration at Jason's and this year was VERY similar. Again there was the big fireworks display, toys being blown up and roman candle duels. It works exactly like it sounds. Each person has a roman candle and they start back to back. Each person takes 10 paces then turns around and lights their roman candle and fires at the other person.

Yeah, I know. It's crazy.

PDXPhotogeek took the BEST pictures of it. Go here to see the lot of them.

Here are some highlights:

One of the toys that was blown up.

William in a duel.

Sean in the duel with William

Scars from Sean's duel with the boyo.

Cedric and M (one of my favorite pictures)

The duel between Wendy Lady and the boyo.

Wendy Lady.

We love our Wendy Lady.

Is it any wonder I love my boyo??? I'm a lucky, lucky girl. He is certainly one of a kind and strong enough to handle even that which he didn't sign up for.

My mom's right, he deserves a sainthood. Someone call the pope or something.

All this... makes me happy.

Only this moment
Holds us together
Close to perfection
Nothing else out there
No one to guide us
Lost in our senses
Deep down inside I know our love will die

Only this moment
Holds us together
Lost in confusion
Feelings are out there
Scared of devotion
Doubting intentions
Deep down inside I know our love will die

Stay or forever go
Play or you'll never know
What heaven decided
You can't deny it's
All you've been waiting for

Stay or forever go
Play or you'll never know
Your spirit's divided
You will decide if I'm
All you've been waiting for

Clouds in my head have been parted with grace
By the voices of an angel revealing her face
and her words they make sense 'n' I do understand
Falling in love isn't part of a plan

Forces within me mix reason with lust, but
I'll try to accept it and not make it worse
'cause I know I might loose it by taking the chance,
(But) love without pain isn't really romance

Only this moment
Holds us together
Close to perfection
Nothing else out there
Always beside her
Trusting my senses
Deep down inside I know love will survive

Only this moment
Holds us together
Close to the other
Nothing else out there
Always beside her
Trusting my senses
Deep down inside I know love will survive

Only This Moment
Röyksopp

"Do or do not; there is no try."

I've been trying to write this post for the past 3 hours.

No, strike that. I've been trying to write this post for the last 2 weeks. It has nothing to do with the content and everything to do with just doing something, writing something, making an attempt at being me again.

I'm doing better over all. No episodes in the last 2 weeks, no crying everyday or even every week. It is sort of a numb feeling, but for now that's better than what it was. Again, don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm numb all day or miserable and I don't mope around, but on the whole I just try to keep going to not have time to be numb.

I tend to over think things when I'm left alone with my laptop or my notebook and pen.

I had a MARVELOUS weekend at the coast with friends which was a last minute thing, but just... wonderful. It was gorgeous there and the interaction and time away was very necessary. People remind me that they love me, broken or not. That means a lot. It helps a lot too.

Here comes the weird (although the boyo says it makes sense): I'm scared of you guys. I'm scared of the internets, scared of email and yes, sometimes I'm scared of the phone.

I have at LEAST 30 emails I have to answer, if only to send a reply that says "I'm still here plugging along."

I can't.

I stare at my inbox and I get a sort of queasy feeling, and I think, "I'll do that later. I'll respond to at least ONE tonight." I don't. I dread writing. Dread what I have to say, or figuring out how to say it... even just a hello.

The boyo thinks it's because it's all I can do to just talk to people in person, go out and not shut myself in at home. That's a good theory and maybe that's right. I'm not happy with it, however. I'm not happy that I try to write, try to post here or on OurPDX and I come up with nothing. Blank space. Whining. I keep trying because I think that if I just try, I'll do it...

So now my blog is... this. This is... my life and life in general. Apparently, life is not always good, not always beautiful and always very scary. I like the scary. Scary means I can feel and it means that I'm pushing my boundaries. Scary means that I'm doing things that are out of my comfort zone, just like I always have. Scary means that I'm fighting hard to remember who me is, that I'm still me and that I will keep going.

That sounds good, right?

The problem is in trying to find the time for "me" in the middle of the routine and after everything I have to do. Some of you might say I don't have to do something; we all have the power to change our minds and make our own choices. Those are not the things I'm talking about, though. The routine is necessary. It's there so that I can feel better so that I don't end up holing myself into my apartment or room. They are there so that the side effects from the meds don't hit me so hard and so that I can remember to keep going. Call it momentum, if you will.

In the middle of all the things I have to do, it's hard to find the time to do the things I used to love doing and still want to do. My therapist and psychiatrist both tell me that I should make a point of just fitting things in when I can instead of trying to do everything I used to do at once. The problem is, however, that I don't have 3 hours to stare at my screen or notebook to be able to let this flow. I don't have the time to push myself to try to do something because I have to keep going with my routine, which gives me limited time to do these things.

I've been through worse, I know. I've survived worse and should accept that this is never the worst I will feel and yet is also the worst I will feel. Every time one hits an obstacle in life, one always thinks of it as the worst or hardest thing, and yet we've all gone through it before, we've all survived things that were just as bad, if not worse.

*shrugs*

This is life and unfortunately right now my life is... chemically chaotic.

This is me, interrupted. This is what happens when I finally take a good long look at myself and my inner workings and try to work it out.

Lather, rinse, repeat.