Sunday, February 23, 2014
I'd like to say I'm sorry, Jim.
You were always nice to me, always thought of me with things like taking me to see Madness at the Troubadour, and I repaid you by allowing it all to happen. Some call it aiding and abetting. I didn't cause it, but I didn't help; I was an accessory. I was more concerned with my friend's needs than I was to yours... or even your marriage. It should not have happened like that.
Would it help if I told you she was going to do it anyway? That nothing I said would have changed much - didn't change much- save for the fact that she wouldn't have had an alibi?
I'm sorry for the betrayal, I'm sorry for my part in it. I was only trying to save her when she seemed so lost because she had always done the right thing... because she thought she had to be the Good Girl. I was trying to help her embrace her whole self - her true self - all of her, which include the bad bits. When we own up and embrace our faults and the ugly bits, then we can be happy because we can completely be ourselves. That's what I wanted for her; I wanted her to stop doing what she thought she was supposed to do and just be her.
... but not like that. Or rather, I knew you were a casualty of it and you had to be, ... but not like that.
For that, I'm sorry.
*A Choppy Yet Sincere Apology is a title of a Riverboat Gamblers song I actually find quite... true for my life. I wish I'd come up with such a good title for apologies I've had to make or will never actually make. You can find it here.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Sometimes I just want to say,
"I'm really am a good person... even with all my flaws. I'm just... trying."
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
So I'm starting something new. Something has set me to start again, to get myself going in a new direction of what I want to achieve - of what I'm capable of achieving. I've learned a lot in the past couple of months. I'll have to say that, thus far, 37 has started a revolution... and none too subtlety.
In thinking back to past actions and relationships, I can see my bad habits… and I'd like to right those bad habits. I’m not doing myself any favors otherwise, and I should be pretty damn important to me.
So! I’ve decided I’m going to promise myself/ hold true a few (… or 10) things:
- I promise to never go home early/ not do something just because I'm concerned as to whether or not my boyfriend is having a good time. I would stick around if it was the other way 'round. When I have before, I've generally found that I can enjoy it, especially by just letting go and letting be. I mean, Hell! I put myself in the situation!*
- I will stop working myself into a tizzy. If I'm not happy with it, I need to talk about, get over it, or say no. Simple.
- I control me. I have final say on what I choose to do… or not do… and what I am willing to put up with. PATEOTS!**
- I will remember that I know I am self-reliant. I am not some damsel in this dress,*** therefore I will not feel dismissed if I don't get the help that I never asked for (see also work-myself-into-a-tizzy). I can do it myself; I didn't want, ask, or need the help. Just because person A doesn't offer to help me do B does not mean one should be second guessing their loyalty/ reliability. If I haven't asked for help when I do need it and I don't get it, it's no one's fault but my own; people can't read my mind no matter how well they know me.****
- I will be wooed and I will be loved. Anything less is inexcusable. I need to love me enough to know that I'm worth someone loving me just as much as I love me… and them... if they're lucky.
- I'm not a doormat.
- I promise to hold my partner responsible for the other half of the partnership, illness and special circumstances excluded (limited time offer).
- That being said… I promise not to try to hold up all of the partnership. I will ask for help when I need it and not just expect it (see the bit about people not reading my mind). One cannot and should not do it all by one’s self… not in the long run, anyway.
- I promise to keep the knowledge of how awesome I am with me at all times. Certain exclusions apply for humility when necessary and/ or called for.
- I promise that the one thing I know is that I don't know everything. I will continue to learn and remember that learning can come from anywhere, even the person that seems to be the dumbest person I know.*****
* When the Trash Can Sinatras came ‘round from Scotland on tour in 2005 (they hadn’t toured the US since ‘91? ‘92?), I went to see them at the Troubadour. The guy standing next to me and the Five guy listened to me babble in giddy excitement about all that and later handed me a sticker to go backstage with. I politely declined saying I had to work early (I did) and really needed to go to bed… AS IF THAT WOULD EVER STOP ME OTHERWISE! Dumbest. Thing. Ever! All because I was “concerned” about Fivey’s time… and boredom level.
** Period At The End Of The Sentence!
*** When I was a kid, that's what I thought the saying was...as the distressed damsel was always in a dress... I figured it was just a take on women being weak. [[shrugs]]
****Some exclusions apply
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
I'm sorry I've been quiet. It's just that... things are quiet. Not in a boring way, really, more like in a... listening, I guess, way.
There is too much on my mind, too many things that I need to focus on that everything else falls to the wayside. I wish I had time to talk it all out with you, but there's just so much and I really need to basically keep on moving so that I don't stall.
Well, maybe I wouldn't stall... maybe I'd just take a nap for a while. Who knows? Still, I don't want to take that chance.
Isn't it funny how everything changes in a minute?... a second?
This is why I am usually so big on short stories; they focus on that moment in time when something snapped, ripped, changed.
Except I want to know more about this life and not just that moment. I want to know if something more comes of it all and if she moves or if he becomes bigger, better, greater than.
Time has restarted, so to speak, and it's a bit like a do-over.
There's a stop, a click, a turn, and reset.
Then silence... and thinking... and finding... and maybe a little writing.
This reminds me of the year that I lost my words. Except, this time I'm trying to get it right and not just let them S... l... i...p...... through my fingers and into
but have them land softly,
even mess ily
on paper and screen.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I like to watch House. I like to watch House a lot.
It's one of my favorite things to do when I'm alone on Saturday, before I start doing the 101 things that I've told myself that I have to accomplish. It's the one little thing that I allow myself to do that brings me pleasure on days by myself. Sometimes I gorge on it, though, then I end up feeling upset at myself because I was lazy or whatever, and I didn't do what I wanted to/ thought I should do.
What I like about watching House isn't that it allows me to just do what I want to do (i.e. veg out in front of the TV), but I also like the way the story is told. There's the story of the episode… and then there's the underlying story of House... and how the lessons are learned from that particular story of that episode, affecting the major story of House. You know, the lives of those in the show, how they're getting on, and the choices that they make day to day.
Huh... oddly, I've been focusing so long on just the story of my life... that I forgot about how the framework goes. I'm not sure how to put that… but follow me on this one.
Recently I started working on a comic with Stephen. By recently and working on, I mean we've been talking about it and batting around ideas/ stories/ drawings. We found an overall...framework, I guess... to help us tell a larger story, which will allow for the smaller telling of stories in the meantime. The large story is comprised of smaller stories that have led the characters to where they are now.
For so long I've been saying that what I like to write are the small stories that change our lives, and I haven't really done so. I forgot that those changes happen... or can happen in such minutia, that I got stuck trying to tell about the bigger moment. Those happen fewer... and farther between. Yes, they happen in a second; one moment you're married and then 15 minutes later, you’re on your way to being separated… with divorce in the not-so-far distance.
Hey, it costs a lot of money, yo!
Are you happier for it? Is it earth shattering? Is there a way to stop it… and should you? These are all things that make for a good story. I like that about life... it's also what I like about writing. Following these experiences and shaping the framework... and maybe learning something through it.
Maybe that's the problem I've been having with my life. I forgot that lessons are little? I've been trying to get to the ending from where the character/ story started without the middle part... and the middle part is SO important. That's the good stuff. It's not all about the ending. Generally I get an idea and I think, “Ok, now I have to figure out how to get her from having a dream to her attaining it and becoming a famous movie star." Maybe she just finds that right place for her... OR maybe we just see the struggle.
Things are messy... stories are messy. You gotta let it end where it ends.
Maybe there are no wrong answers, exactly... maybe if we don't get to where we think we should be, or don't attain the goal we wanted, that's ok. Maybe where we end up is ok. Well, unless we end up homeless and a junkie or... just dead...or a junkie and dead. Yes, there are wrong choices, but you still have a choice to stay that way, or to change it.
All this time I’ve been trying to force an ending, my happily ever after, while maybe I just have to see where all this takes me while trying to reach a goal, and be ok if that goal changes.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
You know, I have been trying to do something with this blog since 2007. Before I got this one, I had a livejournal (and technically I still "have" it, I'm just not really... using it), and before that, I played around with making one myself. You know, back before it became a big deal.
None of those have really worked. Well, I suppose for me, in a sense they have... but they never really went the way that I wanted them to and I wasn't able to clearly manifest what I saw in my head. In the end I kept blogging because I like one of the side effects, that of being able to keep in touch with my friends far and wide.
I like having a blog when I do something with it. Mostly, it satisfies my need to write and get something out; my methadone for the lack of actual publication.
Mainly, I have a hard time giving up on it because it's been one of many things I've tried... and I think if I just keep plugging away enough, one day I'll get it. One day, I'll know what it is that works for me.
So, hi again.
Friday, May 10, 2013
0 comments Posted by Ceci at 5:17 PM
I'm attempting to write about what I'm passionate about, and that is my bipolar disorder.
This is as far as it's going to get, isn't it?
... and that's perfect! Except for the bit that's crap.